Relapse…

I haven’t posted for a while and am embarrassed to say that I have had a total relapse.  I use that ugly word because I do believe that food in a way for me is like a drug.  It comforts me when I am down, I use it to celebrate, I use it to medicate, I admit that I have a complete love/hate relationship with food.  I was proud to make it through a tough winter by gaining only a few pounds, but I was hit with some devastating news about a family member last month, and  I am completely reeling by this news and have used food to get myself through the pain.   My weight has again gone out of control.  I have gained 8 pounds in just about a month and a half.  I am kicking myself because I know how hard I worked to take the weight off last summer, but here I am again feeling my pants grow tighter, my knees screaming from the sudden weight gain, my back hurting and my self-esteem plummeting.  I feel gross. 

Here I am, friends, asking for support as I put the tennis shoes back on and get myself back out to walks in the neighborhood and workout sessions at the gym.  I hope to post again to keep myself accountable as I have done in the past. 

Starting Weight (7/2010): 305

Lowest Weight (9/2010): 282.5

Weight as of this morning: 292 (ughhh) -13 #’s from starting wt, +9.5 #’s from lowest wt

22.5

No, I’m not on my way to running my first marathon… that is for a later post!   This number equals the total number of pounds I have lost since I started on 7/28/2010.  This number also represents so much more for me.  It is the most I have ever lost when trying to lose weight.  In fact, I have never lost 15 pounds in one try before, let alone 20 or more pounds.   I have already lost 5% of my total body weight, and I am eight pounds away from losing ten percent (TEN PERCENT!!!, sorry, I’m excited) of my total body weight. 

Enough statistics stuff… can I just say how great it feels to try on clothes that I haven’t been able to fit into for at least a year?  I have a stockpile of clothes from my “skinnier” days (I had actually gained 20 pounds over the past 2 or so years), and I keep on pulling them out to try them on and more of them fit me every day.  This is my way of really seeing the results of my weight loss.  The shirt I am wearing as I am typing this post was skin-tight just eight weeks ago and now it fits me perfectly.   It feels amazing! 

Weight as of this morning: 282.5 pounds

Total Weight lost: 22.5 pounds

Skinny goals?

What are your skinny goals?  Do you have things that you wish you could do, but don’t or can’t do them because of your weight?  Here’s a list of things that I would like to do when (not “if”) I lose the weight:

• Start a family
• Run a 5k, then a 10k, and finally a marathon
• Reduce the severity of my sleep apnea
• Sit with my legs crossed
• Sit comfortably on an airplane
• Go trail running again
• Shop in the non-plus size section for women’s clothing
• Go horseback riding
• Decrease or completely stop the amount of medication I take (with dr’s permission, of course)
• Hike in the mountains without feeling severely winded
• Stop feeling like I am the token “fat friend” around all of my wonderfully skinny friends (who I know don’t judge me… this is MY issue, not theirs)
• Look stunning in a little black dress

This is just a small list of things that I want to do once I lose the weight.  I know that some of my goals aren’t as serious as others,  but I find that I need to know what waits for me at the finish line – serious or not.  Achieving these goals will remind me what I went through to reach them, and will keep me from falling back into the cycle of overeating and gaining weight.

The Big “D”

My doctor asked me to have some lab work done because some previous labs came back showing that my blood glucose levels were high.  I recently went in for my diagnosis and found out that I am now “Prediabetic.”   I couldn’t help but cry in my car from the doctor’s back to work. I shouldn’t be blindsided though.  I have PCOS, my grandfather, mother and father were all diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in their adult years.  My mother was always telling me that I was at risk.   I really always knew I was at risk because I researched all that I could know about diabetes when I first learned that my grandfather was insulin dependent (my senior research paper was on the dang subject), so why am I so shocked that at the weight that I am that I was diagnosed Prediabetic???  I guess I thought as a 32-year-old, that I am way too young for this diagnosis.  Heck, I’ve lost almost 20 pounds.  Doesn’t that help?  

The treatment: get on a 1200 calorie diet low glycemic diet.   Test my blood sugar levels once a week for 3 months and go back to the doctor.  They want to see the weight loss and want to make sure that my body is metabolizing sugar property by reviewing the results from my blood sugar levels. 

So far the blood sugar levels have been great.  My doctor should hopefully be pleased with the weight loss that I have had so far.  I have added another goal to this weight loss plan, and that is to prove to my doc at the next visit that I am no longer prediabetic.  I am not going to let this bad news be a reason to feel sorry for myself or emotional eat or to skip that evening walk with my dog.  It is just a big kick in the butt for me and even more reason for me to stay on track.

Weigh in & Weight Loss

Today’s weigh in was 286.5 pounds.  I’m down a total of 18.5 pounds.  I hit a little bit of a wall for the past few weeks with weighing in at the same weight of 290.5 pounds on 8/25, 9/1, & 9/8.  Not that it is an excuse, but I did make it to Las Vegas and back over Labor Day weekend without gaining weight, and I treat that as a success!!

 I realize that my pace may be a little slow in this weight loss plan of mine, but I am celebrating each weight loss (or maintenance) as a victory.  I can only move forward from here and not look back.  I NEVER want to be at the weight I was when I started.  I believe that you have to be willing to work hard for what you want, and I am here for the long haul.

Two Weigh-in’s

My last two weeks were tough.  I had a ton of family at our house from 8/13-8/18.  We were going through and cleaning out my mom’s house which was so very hard for me.  I would be lying to you all if I said I was not an emotional eater, and when things get bad I usually turn to food.  With the stress of cleaning out my mom’s house (this being the house that I grew up in, we moved to this house in 1982 when I was four), I definitely turned too often to food and admittedly to too many vodka & tonics during that weekend.  Not surprisingly, I paid the price on the scale with my weigh-in from last week being back up to 294.5 pounds.  I know it wasn’t much considering as bad as I thought I had been, but I was disappointed in myself for falling back into bad habits.  Even though I’m going through a tough time with my Mom’s passing, I don’t want to use it as an excuse to give up on myself, health wise.  My health is so very important, and I’ve got to keep my head up and keep on trucking through! 

With that said, I did get back on track last week with the support of my awesome husband.  He really knows how to pick me up when I feel completely defeated.  This morning’s weigh in gave me my reward for the hard work that we put in last week.   I really need to make an effort to remember the goal and think about how good it feels to take off the pounds.  One of my favorite mantras I learned while I was in Weight Watchers was “Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.”  Yes, it is a slightly vain thought, but it is oh so true.  With losing nearly 15 pounds now, I can tell you first hand that this feels so much better than the instant (and fleeting) satisfaction that I’ve gotten through food. 

Weight as of this morning: 290.5 pounds

Total weight lost: 14.5 pounds

Weigh in Wednesday!

I was afraid to get on the scale this morning, but I woke up at 6:50 am, walked the dog, fed the dog, fed the fish, turned on the drier, hand sewed a quilt,  & tried to solve world peace (ok, maybe I’m exaggerating on the last two things), and once I finally couldn’t come up with any more avoidance tactics I got on the scale.  I couldn’t believe to see that I was down another 1.5 pounds.  I was really surprised after the kind of weekend that I had.  I just decided that I wasn’t going to let a bad weekend completely bring me down. 

Weight as of this morning: 293 pounds

Total weight lost: 12 pounds (yay!)